Hesitation
by XxFleetingEmbracexX
Summary: Carlisle has always been a man that hesitates, never taking risks, always analyzing every step he took, however the boy that is waiting for him now doesn't have time for his hesitation; he actually doesn't have time for much of anything anymore. Slash AU


Author Note: Well this is a new thing for me, because I usually hate writing angst anyway I hope you all like it. This fic was inspired by two songs both from **Laura Pausini, It's not goodbye, and En cambio no**. Both are beautiful songs and yes they are sad, so yes this fic is sad, at least that's what I was aiming for.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, not Twilight, nor the two songs mentioned above.

Warnings: Slash. AU, so yes all are human.

Pairing: Carlisle/Edward

...

Time was running out, they both knew it, and yet he still hesitated. It was what he always did; hesitate, hesitate, hesitate. With every step he took he had to take two steps back to make sure he was going in the right direction. Never trusting his instincts, never taking risks, never letting anyone in. However, this time had been different, this time he didn't have time to hesitate, to think of all the possible out comes that may, or may not occur. He had to hurry, because the boy that was just past the door he was standing in front of now didn't have time for his selfish hesitation, he didn't have time for much of anything anymore.

He ran a hand over his hair, a way of calming himself, but only succeeded in further exasperation which caused him to tug on his golden locks. How did he ever let this happen? How could he possibly have let this boy get so close to his heart?

He tightened his jaw and almost threw the can of soda he held in his left hand against the opposite wall. How? How could he have been so stupid? His hesitation had saved him from hundreds of unwanted situations, hundreds of unwanted companionships; how could one flimsy seventeen-year-old boy defy that? How had he managed to break away everything that he had built for years in just a few months?

His hesitation gripped him, rooted him to his spot when he tried to enter the room that held the one person that had made him the happiest man in the entire universe, but that had also made him feel like the worst scum that had ever stepped foot in this planet. His warring emotions made his head spin in a way he didn't think was possible anymore.

Taking in a shaky breath, he slowly opened the door and walked inside. The room was fairly dark, the only light coming from the opened window, and with the heavy, dark clouds outside it hardly provided much illumination.

Another step, the door shut behind him.

The boy was asleep, weak from exhaustion, he gripped the soda can tighter in his hand. His eyes traveled to the boys face, once peaceful and flawless, was paler than before with dark bluish circles under his eyes, his scalp had a few patches of hair missing - a nasty side-effect of the chemotherapy that accomplished nothing but further pain for the boy, but he was still beautiful just as the day he had met him. That face had been his sinful undoing, that face had been his demise. Full, pink lips parted as the boy slept soundly. That mouth, had been a God-given gift, he cringed at using the Lord's name in such an unthinkable way. Flashes of how well he had taught the boy to use those lips, his tongue, flooded his mind sending them straight to his groin. He tightened his grip on the can, fingers going numb.

Another step forward - brilliant green eyes attached to his own blue ones - two steps back.

"Is that for me?" He asked, voice meek, barely audible. His eyes never withdrawing.

He didn't reply with words only with a sharp nod of his head. Green eyes flashed down to the small soda can on his hand before returning to azure eyes. How could this boy cause so much confusion, so much pain, so much…emotion.

"How are you feeling?" Carlisle asked, finally placing the can on the small bed-side table.

"M'fine." Short and curt.

"Dr. Rowell said you would be heavily sedated the first few days so you wouldn't feel much pain, are you really feeling well?" He asked again, concern seeping into every syllable. He watched as the young boy hanged his head, strands of reddish-brown hair falling around his delicate face. He saw as the boys shoulders shook lightly and took another step back when the boy faced him once again. Face flushed from anger, tears trailing down his cheeks to his chin, eyes narrowed and livid.

"No, I'm not feeling well! You, you left me…how? How could you? And now you're here asking if I'm feeling well? You…I hate you!" Carlisle cringed at the outburst, but didn't deny his fault. He deserved it, every word laced with hate that came for the boy in the hospital bed.

"Edward, please-"

"No! Shut up. I don't want to hear you excuses, for Christ's sake, Carlisle, I'm dying. You do understand that, right? I'm going to die very soon and all I wanted was for you to be there for me when I needed you the most, but I tell you and you disappear. I thought you, I was sure you felt something for me, something deeper…" Edward continued to cry, he bit his bottom lip in an attempt to control his crying, he didn't want to give the man the satisfaction of knowing just how much he had hurt him, but it was with no avail because the crying continued.

Hesitation, hesitation, hesitation, Carlisle's eyes narrowed, hesitation be damned. With one step forward he had Edward in his arms. At first the boy struggled, but after all he had been drugged with who knows how much medication, and didn't put up much of a fight.

"I'm sorry."

"I hate you."

"Please, listen to me, Edward, I never meant for this to happen, I never imagined I would ever let this carry on for so long, I swear that I didn't want to hurt you, you, my beautiful boy, are the most important being in my life. You are the person I hold closest to my heart. With you I felt as if I could allow myself to smile again. You, are the reason I continued with my studies to become the great doctor you inspired me to be. Because of you I learned what it truly meant to live. Edward, believe me when I say that the reason I left had nothing to do with any lack of feelings I held for you. Edward, I…I love you, with all of my heart and soul. " Carlisle held the boy in his arms tighter fearing that if he didn't he would slip away, and never return.

"You…said it. You finally…" Edward bite down on his cheek, fresh tears falling, "…then why? Why did you leave me?"

After a shaky sigh Carlisle replied, "I was scared. From the first moment I met you I developed this unshakable fear. At first it was because of what you made me feel, you, with your mischievous smiles, your innocent eyes, and your curious words. You made me rethink everything I was so sure of for the past twenty-six years. However, after you told me about your illness and the gravity of it. I felt as if my whole being had been ripped in half, the fear of losing you became too much to bear that I, stupidly, decided to distance myself from you hoping it would lessen. I know I was selfish for abandoning you like that, but I had always been like that and so it was my first impulse. I couldn't control myself though, everything felt wrong, without you I felt lifeless, thinking of what you had to go through, and alone no less, teared me to shreads. That's when I knew that I was completely and incandescently in love with you. I am truly very sorry, Edward, I deserve all of your hate and reproach, but please don't ever believe that I don't love you."

"You are a very stupid man, Carlisle." Edward whispered, before throwing his arms around the man that held him, and pressed their lips together. It was short, but both felt as if their strength had returned with that light touch of lips.

"I deserved to know that, what you were feeling, your fears. Please, Carlisle, don't ever leave me again." Edward pleaded, "…you're everything I have, and I'm not strong enough to go on by myself anymore. Please, I'm so scared of the pain, so scared of being alone again. I'm so scared of dying." Edward mumbled as he buried his head in Carlisle's chest. Carlisle's eyes stung as he felt his own tears spill out. It was so unfair that this boy - so full of life - had to have the misfortune of leaving before his time. For a moment both held each other, each shedding tears for the unavoidable future that would force them apart soon. After a while Carlisle could feel the boy lessen his grip on him, he gently untangled the boy from him and laid him down on the bed. Watery green eyes gazed up at him with such intensity that he stopped all movement.

"I love you too. Don't ever forget that, I will always and forever love you." Edward spoke softly, drowsiness slowly setting in. Carlisle grabbed one of his hands and placed a soft kiss on his palm, not caring that his tears were still falling. Neither knew how much longer they had with each other, hours, days, hopefully, weeks, but all Carlisle was capable of asking now was that his boy would be subjected to less pain, he didn't deserve it. With a heartfelt smile, he replied hoping to project all of the love he felt for the boy that had stolen his heart.

"I won't ever forget. I love you, always and forever, my precious boy."

...

Author Note(2): Hope you enjoyed it, for those who are curious and want to know what illness Edward had it was acute lymphocytic leukemia. Please keep in mind that although I only wrote this out of inspiration I understand the seriousness of the subject I wrote about, and the reason why I didn't address a possibilty of Edward surviving his cancer was because he was in the final stage and hadn't been treated in time. I really don't want to bum anyone who takes this too seriously out, what I mean to say is that I don't believe that if you get cancer you will die, there are a lot of treatments that have proven to help with cancer.

Finally, I am thinking of writing a prequel to this one-shot, sort of as a way to show how the two met and came together. I hope this oneshot didn't confuse you too much and I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Please Review! :)


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